What's really in your hospital bag (the honest version)

If you have spent any time on Instagram lately, you have probably seen the hospital bag haul. The matching loungewear set, still with the tags on. The silk robe. A little caddy of travel-size toiletries arranged like a magazine shoot. Then someone steps out of the hospital a few hours after giving birth looking polished, glowing, and apparently fully blow-dried.

I am here to gently ruin that image for you.

Because in real life, nobody looks like that hours after giving birth, and it feels unfair to suggest otherwise. The going-home photo is the highlight reel. What you actually need in your bag is a lot less glamorous, and a lot more useful.

So here is my honest list, the things that genuinely save you on the day. Not a silk robe in sight.

1. Big old granny pants

These are about as sexy as your dad in drag, but trust me, they will be lifesavers. Nobody really warns you, but after labour you will likely experience quite a bit of bleeding, for several days, and I am talking more than your average period. So put the lacy thongs away for a few more months and line up the biggest, comfiest pants you can find, ideally a size up. Cheap multipacks are perfect, because you will not be precious about them.

2. Heavy-duty maternity pads

The proper, industrial-strength ones, not the slim everyday liners. Pack more than you think you need, then pack a few more. Your granny pants and these are a team, and together they are far more reassuring than anything in a matching toiletry caddy.

3. The loosest, darkest drawstring trousers you own

VPL takes on a whole new meaning when you are wearing granny pants and a maternity pad. You may also be feeling tender around your middle, especially after a caesarean, so nothing with a waistband digging in. Dark colours hide all manner of sins (vomit, milk, blood, sweat and tears, often all at once).

4. A button-down shirt or two

Skin to skin contact matters enormously in those first few hours, and a shirt makes it easy, no fabric hoisted up around your neck while you are figuring out feeding. Buy them a size big, or quietly borrow your partner's, and you can tuck baby in against you once they are settled.

5. Your favourite snacks

This is not the moment to think about your post-baby body. You will be starving, and possibly too wiped out to wait for your birth partner to go hunting for food. Pack the treats you actually love. A stash of something good is a small thing that feels enormous at 3am.

6. A phone charger with a ridiculously long cable

Hospital sockets are never where you need them, and your bed is never close enough. A long charging cable means you can keep your phone alive while it is plugged into the only available socket across the room. You will want a working phone for the photos that are real, not the ones for the grid.

7. Slippers and proper socks

Hospital floors are cold and not somewhere you want bare feet. Thick socks with a bit of grip are ideal, and slippers save you bending down to wrestle shoes on when it is time to go home.

So yes, the loungewear haul looks lovely on the internet. But there is no doubt in my mind that the people in those photos would much rather be in a soft old tracksuit, dropping crumbs on their newborn's head, with a big pair of granny pants on underneath the whole thing.

That is the bit nobody photographs, and it is the bit worth preparing for.

I created a full birth bag checklist with everything for you (49 items!), everything for the baby, and even everything your birth partner needs - all the bits people always forget. Download it free below