Birth Story: Atlas Byron

You kept us waiting little one.

I was so sure you would be early. I convinced myself that this time you would be on time at least. And my conviction got stronger as my tummy grew rounder. I was huge again. Surely that meant a baby ready to pop a little earlier. One night around 38weeks I almost got papa to set up the birth pool. My tummy was cramping all night... could this be it? No. No it wasn’t it. In fact I barely felt anything else for almost 3 weeks!!

The day that you started your journey earth side, was just like any other. Nanny was at our house to help look after Maya and us. We had a walk in the park and came home to do some colouring. I felt some twinges... nothing much... not enough to make me think you were coming, but they were there. In the afternoon I took us off to have a bath - one of the only ones we shared. I used Lavendar and Clarey Sage and tried to relax. It was lovely. Dark and cosy and quiet.

That evening was warm and sunny and so after dinner papa and I went for a walk. I think the only one we shared just the two of us for my whole pregnancy. The sun was low and warm, and the park was littered with a few couples and friends having a picnic dinner - the start of our ‘new normal’ after Corona quarantine.  I felt heavy and tired. My pubic pain was strong but we hobbled around the park and enjoyed the orange sky and each others’ company. We went to bed the same as every other night... hopeful, but really not too expectant.

Which is why it was such a shock to wake with a startle and feel the warm, wetness of my water breaking in the bed at midnight. I had been cramping in my sleep - and upon waking felt like I had been dreaming about it. I rushed to the bathroom to check what had happened - but I knew, you were coming. Papa was awake and alert, keen to know what to do.  I felt the excitement and relief swell inside me, muted only slightly by a tiny feeling of apprehension and nervousness. We didn’t want to get over-excited too soon, to move too quickly, so we tried to lie down and relax. I thought that I should sleep some more, but that was never going to happen! I put on ocean sounds and closed my eyes.  My surges were completely manageable, but quickly became more intense - far more quickly than with Maya, and so I sent Papa downstairs to prepare the birth pool and our things.

I downloaded a surge timer and started to track your progress - it was fast. And the surges were starting to require more focus. I decided to needed to go downstairs. Our little birthing palace was perfect. Dark, but lit up with candles. The fireplace full of my favourite memories, and affirmations to help me through. Seashells to remind me of the ocean. The birth pool sat in the middle of the room, and I felt so excited for this part of our journey together. My fear evaporated.  I wanted to remember it. To take it in. To feel it.

Papa sat in the armchair, and I knelt down in front of him on the yoga mat. He rubbed my back and I rocked on all fours. The surges were building and I was using my breath and my voice to move through them. We decided to call Sarah and Annabel (around 3am).

By the time they arrived, just before 4am, I was deep in my own zone. The surges were coming fast and it was taking all my energy to move through them.  My head was now in papa’s lap and I squeezed his hands as I felt the waves crash down. The pain in my back was building. I was struggling to change position.  The pool had been filling, and it felt like it might soon be time to use it. 

I was sick. I felt the nausea build and cried out for a bowl. I remembered how this happened with Maya, when I was in the shower. I felt buoyed that it was a good sign - a sign that my body was preparing for you.  The guys urged me to get into the pool - I felt ready. But was so frightened to leave my cocoon to do a wee - and so did it in the nappy I had been wearing to catch my waters!

Getting in the water brought a deep relief. I was glad that I had saved it for when I really needed it. I felt lighter. The water felt burning hot on the burning pain in my back. Everything around me seemed to dissolve and I just remember leaning over the side, gripping papas hand and crying out through the surges.  Around me I had a faint consciousness that the sun was rising, it was lighter in our cocoon, but the concept of time had disappeared.

I ended up over the other side of the pool - I’m not sure how. Papa was holding my hands, and Sarah was bearing down on my back with every surge. Just like Maya, the pressure in my back was unbearable. I dreaded each surge as I felt it approach but willed myself to remember that it would subside. “Just a few breaths, you can do this”.  But the doubt crept in. “I can’t do this”. Looking into papas eyes, pleading for him to make it stop. Desperately seeking the unknown answer to the Question, “when will it be over?” 

I could you feel moving down. Searing pain in my back and pelvis. Desperate willing from me for you to emerge. Each surge electrifying. I was primal. Grunting. Louder with each wave. Gripping papas hands, demanding Sarah push harder on my back. Honey sachets and jelly snakes were waved in my face. “Get theM away. NO”. My entire body, my entire mind completely focused on the one job of surviving this pain.

And then you turned the corner. The pain in my back eased a little and I felt you moving down. Burning, stretching, suck your breath in, sensations. I knew that I could make each surge count, knew that I had to. Pushing down, I felt you inch forwards, and then retrace your steps like a gentle tide. Annabel was active now, offering words of reassurance. I was energised and motivated by the idea that we were close. You were in touching distance. But as you slid forwards, I felt like I might tear in two. Fear crept in. I held back. Not only because I was scared, but also because I knew what my body needed, what it was capable of.  Annavel urged me push you out, but I let you slide back like the tide. Once, twice, and then on the third go I let go. I used the surge, I embraced the fire. I felt your head slide out and saw the excitement and relief in papas eyes - you were almost here. Annabel told me to move my leg, to get ready to catch you. I couldn’t believe it...could it really be just one more push? The surge came, and I embraced it, gave it everything I had left. For a moment we stalled, and I felt like you weren’t going to come. Panic. Doubt. Fear. “He’s not going to come!”  And then, in one almighty, sudden surge you were here. “Catch your baby Jemma!”  I reached down, slightly bewildered, and felt you in the water. I pulled you up and onto my chest, and felt the overwhelming rush of relief and love sweep through my body.  I met your papa’s eyes, and told him to go and get Maya - I wanted your sister to share this moment of joy so badly. And then, I remembered to look down, “it’s a boy!”  I said it over and over, followed by ‘he’s here, he’s here, he’s here”. Disbelief that we had done it. Relief that it was over. Pride that we had survived.

You were long, like your sister. And covered in vernix. Slippery and white. I remember your slender fingers and fingernails so long. You didn’t cry, you just stared up at me. Shocked but calm. Taking it all in.

Maya came down, bewildered and shy. We had been preparing her for this moment, but nothing really prepares a three year old for a paddling pool filled with blood and a slimy baby covered in Vernix!

We sat in the pool for a while, just looking at each other. I was in a total daze. Overwhelmed with happiness, pride and relief. You felt tiny in my arms, and I was convinced you were smaller than your sister. I could feel commotion happening around me - people around us - but all I can remember is just seeing you. My darling Atlas, calm and content, the perfect addition to our unbelievably perfect little family.