My Hypnobirthing Journey

I've always had a bit of an obsession with pregnant women. Ever since I was a little girl. They are just so damn beautiful. And alive. Glowing. Every time I see a bump coming towards me I am reminded of how bloody miraculous the human body is. I want to reach and touch it. Rub it. Hug it. I can't help myself. I stare. As a child I was afforded the luxury of being able to do these things whilst still being cute, but as an adult I have to suppress my urges and just smile (hoping that even that doesn't come across as creepy).

Given this weird fascination, I loved being pregnant. I adored it. Watching my bump grow, feeling the baby move around inside, and having unlimited belly-stroking on tap. I marvelled at my body as it stretched and grew to make space for our little jellybean. It wasn't until around week 25, when I had a noticeable bump and viable baby inside me that I realised, 'f*ck. this not so little jellybean needs to come out'. Pregnancy had fascinated me, but birth scared the living daylights out of me.

Like most women out there, I fancied myself to have a tiny vagina. Smaller than average. Pretty and pert. "It's just not physically possible" I exclaimed to my husband. And I truly believed it. I truly believed that the baby would come down into my pelvis, and literally get jammed. Stuck. Incapable of moving forwards, unwilling to go backwards.

And then there was the pain. I've seen one born every minute, listened to the screams. My mum and aunties and sister have regaled me with their war stories – the epidurals, the tearing, the pain-so-bad-I-passed-out tales of birth. I couldn't rationalise it in my head. I knew that women have been giving birth for millions of years, but for some reason, I wasn't going to be able to cope. I just didn't want to do it. And whilst the pain-relieving and mind-altering drugs sounded like a good idea, there was always this little voice inside my head telling me that I should do it naturally. "This is the moment you are going to welcome your baby into the world. Probably the most important moment of your life. Don't you think you should be totally compos-mentis? Or at least try to be?". I also think that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. And in my mind that (wrongly) included having a 'natural' birth.

As the days and weeks continued to tick by and my bump (and bum) expanded – a constant physical reminder that birth could not be avoided – I finally took my head out of the sand and started to think about how me and my tiny vagina were going to survive the ordeal. My bestie had given birth just a year earlier. And I remember very clearly her and her husband bounding off one weekend for their 'hypnobirthing' course. Chris and I giggled and mocked them for believing that such hippy, voodoo nonsense could make even a dent on the pain of childbirth. But our cynicism was shown the door post-birth when my friend spoke with such wonderful positivity about her experience. It was time to backpedal and get the details of this hypno-goddess.

As we turned up for our first session neither of us really knew what to expect. I was quite excited at the thought of getting my zen on, and had worn my rose quartz necklace to get into the spirit. Chris, along with the other 5 dads in the room, kept his arms crossed and brow furrowed. Sceptical, and also deeply annoyed to be missing the footy. When Anna came in and introduced herself, I was taken aback. She was so normal looking. No crystals. No kaftan. Just jeans and a t-shirt. And she was a midwife. A medical person. What?! This wasn't what I was expecting. And I think that's the thing that sums up hypnobirthing the best for me. 'This wasn't what I was expecting'. I wasn't expecting a logical and rational technique. Relaxation tools that would serve me throughout my pregnancy, birth and beyond. An understanding of the stages of birth, and all of the possible twists and turns it could take – and how to confront them. I wasn't expecting to come away feeling totally prepared for my labour, and, shock horror, genuinely excited by it.

Hypnobirthing gave me the tools to relax during my pregnancy – I listened to guided meditations in the bath, on the train, and whilst I napped during the day and fell asleep at night. It was bliss. Furthermore, it gave Chris the confidence to be a supportive and helpful partner. He was more excited than me about the birth! Not what we were expecting at all.

So what about the birth then? I hear you ask. Was it pain-free and serene? I'm not going to lie, it wasn't pain-free. But it was manageable. Manageable enough for me to stay at home for the first 12 hours, bouncing on my birth ball, listening to my meditations and watching Harry Potter. And it was manageable enough for me not to have any pain medication, despite Maya being in the posterior position until the last minute. I felt confident that I could do it, and not just survive it, but enjoy it. I felt in control – even when it was hard and I was scared and 20 hours in. I was in control. And for a brief moment, when I wasn't, as I transitioned and I lost my focus, Chris was in control. He knew exactly what to say and what to do. He instinctively knew what I needed, and we worked as a perfect team. When Maya was handed to me, I wasn't totally relieved that the birth was over, I was so proud of us both (and Chris too) for doing such a great job. I was so happy that we were meeting each other for the first time following such a powerful experience – one that I will remember fondly for the rest of my life. (more on all this in my birth story post)

Following Maya's birth, I found myself even more obsessed with pregnant women. I found myself imagining what kind of birth they would have, and feeling an immense excitement for them, knowing that the best was yet to come for them. I still wanted to run up to each and every one of them and stroke their bellies, but I also wanted to tell them about this amazing thing called hypnobirthing – just in case they didn't know already. As time went on, this impulse didn't go away, it just got stronger and stronger, until one day I thought, 'fuck it, why don't I actually tell these pregnant goddesses about hypnobirthing?'. And that was the beginning of this. This, my journey as a hypnobirthing teacher.

As soon as I sat down at the KGHypnobirthing course I knew that it was going to be the start of a huge, magnificent life-changing adventure for me. I loved every minute of learning, and I love every minute of teaching. Not only did hypnobirthing save me from my fear of childbirth, and help me achieve my perfect birth story with Maya and Chris, but it has taught me how to relax, and how to embrace and use the power of positivity. It has opened up a big new world of opportunities for me, enabled me to help other pregnant women, and heck, maybe even gotten me closer to a lot more belly-rubbing.

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