It Takes a Village
Back in the olden days, children were literally raised by a village. Generations of families lived together, surrounded by surrogate mothers, daughters and sisters, all available to help with changing nappies, diagnosing illnesses, and giving Mum and Dad some precious time off. Sure, today we have social media and Dr Google to help us navigate some of the more tricky new-parent questions, but are we starting to depend too much on this virtual village?
For me, there's no alternative to somebody coming round and holding the baby whilst you have a nap. No better antidote to exhaustion than a good old giggle about the shit on your shirt with your bestie. Nothing that brings more gratitude than the offer of a babysitter on your birthday.
Our problem? There is now so much 'help' online that we feel like we can't ask for real help when we need it most. And this isn't just the case for new mothers and fathers, it's a wide-ranging problem. The intern struggling in a new city. The CEO drowning under pressure. The junior doctor overwhelmed by patient volumes. When did it stop being ok to be vulnerable?
Today's mums are particularly susceptible to suffering in silence because motherhood is positioned (wrongly) as something that women should be naturally good at. And anything less than perfect is perceived (wrongly) as failure. Having been in control of a thriving career, successful relationship, and enviable social life, it's quite a shock to suddenly feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath your Louboutins (who am I kidding, I've never owned Louboutins. Converse just didn't have the same punch).
For new mums, here are 5 absolute giveaways that it's time to ask for help (IRL):
1. When you are still in your PJs at the end of the day
When you are going whole days without finding 10 minutes to take a shower or leave the house, it's time for a break. Grab somebody you trust, hand them the baby/toddler and leave the house. Go for a walk. A coffee. A large gin and tonic. Put your headphones in. Read a magazine. Your child will be ok. It's only an hour.
2. When you can't remember the last time you ate something green
After Maya was born, my husband and I lived on takeaways and finger food. The beige diet. And it made me feel even lower on energy (if possible), even more guilty, and horribly unhealthy. Ask somebody to cook you a nutritious meal. Something with veggies. That must be eaten with a knife and fork.
3. When you need to charge your phone more than once a day
You are spending too long with Google and Instagram. Likely driving yourself insane by flicking between picture perfect images and one in a million diagnoses. Put down your phone. Well, quickly use it to call a friend, and then put it down. Touch another human being. Have a hug. Use your voice, instead of your thumbs, to have a conversation.
4. When you feel yourself becoming angry with your baby
This one is tough. Who wants to admit they need help because they almost lost it with the baby? Nobody. But the truth? We have all been there. I promise. There is not a single mother out there who has not wanted to scream at their baby at some point. So, call a fellow mum. Call your mum. There will be no judgement, because WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.
5. When you are crying over Love Island and cat ads
Motherhood spells an emotional roller-coaster of course. But Dr Alex's situation isn't that bad. If you are crying for no good reason at all, it's time to call in the cavalry. You may just need a nap, or a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, or you may need a friend to tell you that you need a little more help - and that's ok.
Asking for these things may feel like a huge imposition. But that's because you are crazy with hormones and desperate to appear to have it all together. Take a breath. If your friend/neighbour/sister had a baby and asked you to help for an hour what would you say? Chances are you would be mortified for not proactively offering sooner, drop everything and run straight round there. People love babies. People love the feeling of helping others. And the people you are going to ask, love you. Be brave. Call on your village.
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